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Hiya! My fiance is going to run Curse of Strahd (5e) again, and this time, he's forcing a good-aligned party so that the story doesn't go off the rails like what happened last time lmao. I'm super excited! I'm playing again, but I won't be meta-gaming or anything, and he's changing up a LOT of aspects about the campaign, so it'll be a semi-blind playthrough.
I'm gonna roll a Aasimar Paladin, and hope that I live through the entire thing. My Halfling Bard - Carmilla - managed to survive the entirety of the first CoS campaign, so here's to hoping for twice the luck! I'm sooooo excited to be playing CoS again. It's my literal favorite D&D thing ever. I love Strahd, he's one of my fave antagonists/characters ever.
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So I've been feeling lonely again when it comes to my kins. My Leon and I had another fallout, though this one was caused entirely by me. Mostly, I went off my meds, and my paranoia spiked out of control, and I ended up convincing myself that there were glaring problems when there really weren't any. I did it to myself, though I miss him terribly. I've managed to regain my talking privileges with them, but I'm not allowed to interact with any of their friends or their personal kin discord.
It makes me sad, tbh. I wish we could be close like we were, but that's my fault. It's something that I have to live with, and I'm not sure if I'll ever get back into their good graces fully. I'm blessed to even be able to talk to them after what I caused to happen. Sometimes I think about that a lot, and the guilt eats me up. It's eating me up right now. I just... want to go back. I want to feel like I'm part of a family again. But I guess that's all lost. Maybe one day, things will change.
Magic Mushrooms! 🍄 ...and other stuff
Mar. 16th, 2020 05:49 pmThe biggest thing lately is that I've been really itching to try some magic mushrooms! Or psilocybin mushrooms. You know, the psychedelic stuff. Mostly, I've been wanting to try them for spiritual and nature related purposes. I've heard from so many sources that these things allow you to get in touch with your deities and nature itself, and that the journey can often mold you as a person. That's my main interest in them. I've been scouting the local horse field in my area, along with some fallen logs and piles of wood chips for any mushrooms that may be sprouting. None so far, but wish me luck! They say they'll come to you when you most need them, and I honestly believe that.
My wedding was postponed because of the Coronavirus. I was so upset that I had to delay my wedding with my fiance. I just want to marry him already and be his official partner. I love him so much, that waiting is like torture. I was so excited too, because some of my friends were coming from out of state and it was going to be my first time meeting them face to face. They still plan on coming, but now I have to wait until this virus blows over, or at least until the people and government stop panicking so hard.
Other than that, life has been quite boring lately. I've been yearning to go out with some friends, do a little night drinking and partying like I used to do a few years ago. I miss it. Everyone has either moved away, gained a shit ton of responsibilities, or just grown distant over the years. It feels lonely, to be honest. I miss that feeling of unity, that free spirit attitude we all used to have. I'm still in my twenties, and damn it, I want to experience life to its fullest!
Mathias Cronqvist - My Primary Soulbond
Feb. 17th, 2020 12:33 amMathias Cronqvist (Castlevania: Lament of Innocence) - Mathias was the final piece in my awakening. For so long, I’d struggled to place why I felt so... so in tune with this character. I mean, I had always had characters that I liked and even worshipped, but the feelings I had here were neither of those things. I felt emotionally and spiritually attached to Mathias. His pain was my pain, his anger was my anger. I would take personal offense at people who unfairly criticized him, as if they were directing their insults at me instead. His grief over his wife, his disbelief that Leon wouldn’t join him... I felt those things at my core. I slowly began to realize that his mannerisms were bleeding into my own. I began to remember things about him, things that were never covered in the games or otherwise. I realized that I was looking at these memories as if they were my own. My thoughts began to be in a voice that was not entirely my own, but like a mishmash of his and mine. I found myself referring to Mathias’ qualities and possessions as my own. His relationships, they felt like mine, too. it was like suddenly, there were two of us. It was as if we had merged, two souls inhabiting one body. It was almost frightening, to be quite honest. I’d never experienced anything like that before. I never thought it could be possible. It had to be made-up, right? But no... it was as real as it could get.
This was helped along by another fictionkin. My Leon. He helped me come to understand and realize what was happening to me. Without his help, Mathias may have never manifested inside of me. It makes me sad to think that I could have completely ignored and missed out on him. I’m glad to have Mathias with me, and I’m even happier that I’m blessed to have the Leon from my timeline. I’ve met others as well. Alucards, Trevors, Richters, Lisas. I treat them all like my family. Some people don’t realize how comforting it can be to have others around that are similar to you.
Well, that’s enough talking for now. I don’t want to make some gargantuan post about this just quite yet. Maybe later on down the line, I’ll delve into Mathias’ memories and his ties to Leon. For now, this’ll have to do for anyone interested.
Altar + Tarot Deck
Feb. 16th, 2020 06:09 pm
Witchy Info!
Feb. 16th, 2020 12:01 amI’ll be posting pics of my altar soon! For now, have a little bit of info about myself hehe.
- I am a witch that follows the eclectic path.
- I started my journey as a witch back in 2018.
- My favorite crystal to work with is rose quartz. It exudes the most energy to me.
- I have interest in finding a coven one day, but alas, I live in a very Christian-heavy area and witchcraft is often looked down upon here.
- My favorite Sabbat is Beltane! I love bonfires. There’s something so magical about them.
- I most closely associate with the element of Earth. I am a Capricorn as well, so it doesn’t really come as a surprise.
- My athame is comically large. I mean, silly large. I underestimated the size when ordering it.
- I’m obsessed with burning incense??? Begone negative energy????
- My favorite spells are healing/cleansing spells! I dabble almost entirely in white magic.
- I am a firm believer in reincarnation and soulbonding.
- If I was a tarot card, I’d probably be the Nine of Swords zzzzzz.
That’s pretty much the gist of things, I suppose? Just a little bit of witchy information about myself to let others get to know me a bit better. There’s a few other things, but I don’t want this list to be as large as my athame lmao. I may end up posting a few more details later on down the line. For now, much love, take care of yourself, and blessed be!
A Vicious Cycle
Feb. 15th, 2020 03:17 pmIt seems like I can only be happy for a very short while before my mood begins to rapidly deflate. It’s like a constant rubberbanding, a back and forth between being in a euphorically good mood to literally wanting to lay in bed and think about everything that makes me miserable. I feel so distant from people, so forgotten and unimportant that it hurts almost physically. I miss feeling like I belonged somewhere, I miss being able to talk constantly with my friends, I miss being able to do art on the regular. Everything feels so disconnected now, so fragmented and shattered that I’m not sure I can get any of it back.
i know the majority of this is because I’m off my meds. I’m so depressed and anxious and I’m splitting a lot more than normal lately. My opinions of people are being warped by my mental illness, and its frustrating. Everything feels so black and white. I feel like a terrible person, and I hate it.
I’m not lying when I say every little thing takes effort. Doing the dishes, cleaning the room, hell... even feeding myself doesn’t feel worth it anymore. It’s so hard to find the motivation for anything anymore. I feel so useless.
I just want to feel somewhat normal again. I have an appointment this Monday to see my psychiatrist again. I’m getting back on my meds, and I pray to whatever deity is listening that it makes me happy once more. I need to get control of my life, I need to put an end to this constant feeling of worthlessness I have.
I just want to feel like I’m a part of this world instead of some outcast bystander watching from a distance as it goes by me. I’ve so lost much time to my mental illness, and I don’t want to lose anymore.
Long Time No See?
Feb. 15th, 2020 03:29 am- I quit my waitressing job about a year ago. I was being extorted for money and mistreated. So I said hell to the fuck no and left.
- I’m currently off my psyche meds, which turned out to be a huge mistake. My depression/anxiety/personality disorder has basically kept me in bed for the majority of the time. But I have an appointment set up soon to fix all of this and go back on my meds.
- I rekindled my friendship with that Leon I mentioned in one of my old posts. He wasn’t toxic, I was just brainwashed into thinking that. I’m glad we’re friends again. I’m currently in a populated Castlevania fictionkin server, and it’s great to be surrounded by other CV kins.
- I’m back to practicing witchcraft again, and it’s been a great outlet for me, emotionally and spiritually.
- I’m getting married soon! In about a month and a half, I’ll officially have tied the knot with my lover ahaha.
That’s basically the gist of things. Oh, and I found out recently that I was dangerously close to an actual cult leader back in 2013. Do you know the story of Andrew Blake, or ThanFiction? He was involved with the Supernatural fandom back in 2013. He was doing some cult-ish things back then, all under the guise of being a fictive/soulbonder. It’s very similar to what happened with the Final Fantasy House way back in the early 2000s. Well, I followed, reblogged, and interacted with him back in 2013, unknowing of all the creepy stuff he’d been doing. Spooky.
I have also discovered an endless love for sushi. Aaaaaaaaa, sushi. So good. The best I’ve had so far is the Fire Island Roll (spicy tuna, salmon, crab, cream cheese, and asparagus) and the Yum Yum Roll (crab, cream cheese, cucumber, and avocado). So, so good.
Ummm... I don’t have much else to say at the moment. I’ll try to update over here more often! Even if a lot of people don’t see it, it’s nice to have a place to write down the on-goings of my life, and my thoughts and feelings.
Birthday Woes
Jan. 11th, 2019 03:45 amI guess today wasn’t all bad. My father surprised me with a visit at work. He gave me two cards - one from him and one from mom. Of course his was the funny one. I genuinely laughed. He drew the silliest pic of a bird with its eyes bulging out. Mom’s card was the emotional one. I don’t cry often or easy, but I did once I read it. Despite everything, I do have two parents that truly love and cherish me. They may not always understand how I am, but they always support me, no matter what. I’m trying not to take that for granted. Not many people are lucky enough to have parents like that.
I might get Chinese food tomorrow. Treat myself with some orange chicken and rice. I’m trying to drink more water, but the caffeine headaches are awful. I still need to watch my diet. I find myself wanting to either binge eat, or starve myself. There’s never any inbetween. But I’ve come a long way after so many years of covering up my trauma with outrageous food intake. I have to remember that I’m actually in shape now. I have muscles and endurance and good cardio, even if my body doesn’t necessarily reflect it. Curse you PCOS, for making it damn near impossible to lose weight, despite all the physical work I’m doing these days.
(I also have the urge to marathon either Minecraft or Dragon Age: Inquisition, but I know with my demanding work schedule that I won’t get far hhhhhhh)
Is it paranoia or truth?
Jan. 10th, 2019 03:41 amI’m just a quiet person. I like the peace and quiet, and tons of interaction easily exhaust me. A little bit of a cruel trait for me to have, considering my desire to reach out to others. It’s so pitifully tragic. Haha.
I’m really tired. My feet hurt from my 10 hour shift, and I have another one tomorrow. A meager 12 hours in between to sleep and do whatever else I need to. Tomorrow is also my 24th birthday, so happy birthday to me, I guess. Time keeps passing by quicker and quicker with each year. I remember when a single school year as a small chils felt like eternity. I was always exited for summer. It makes me feel so nostalgic, thinking about those humid days at my grandmother’s house - getting into all sorts of nonsense with my older cousins. I don’t remember a lot from my childhood because of my emotional trauma, but I remember my grandmother’s house and the times I spent there. It was a sanctuary for me back then. I never knew how lucky I was to have her.
Anyway, time to sleep.
Falling Out of Sorts
Jan. 9th, 2019 10:05 amThere are no other soulbonders or fictives that I know of around me. And even on the internet, it seems finding a good, active community is difficult. It’s even worse, because my canon source is only popular because of the Netflix adaption of it, which has nothing to do with my bond. But I didn’t really choose this, it just sort of happened, so I’m stuck with it, even if it is a little lonely.
I think I’d feel better if I could find my Leon. I thought I had last year, but that person was one of the aforementioned toxic people that I cut out of my life. Even then, as much as I wanted to love them, they never really felt like MY Leon. It always felt so forced between us. That connection that I remember through Mathias was not there. It was never genuine. Oh well.
Ultimately, I’m stuck between feeling lonely and being too tired/depressed/scared to pursue any friendships.
