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Hiya! My fiance is going to run Curse of Strahd (5e) again, and this time, he's forcing a good-aligned party so that the story doesn't go off the rails like what happened last time lmao. I'm super excited! I'm playing again, but I won't be meta-gaming or anything, and he's changing up a LOT of aspects about the campaign, so it'll be a semi-blind playthrough.
I'm gonna roll a Aasimar Paladin, and hope that I live through the entire thing. My Halfling Bard - Carmilla - managed to survive the entirety of the first CoS campaign, so here's to hoping for twice the luck! I'm sooooo excited to be playing CoS again. It's my literal favorite D&D thing ever. I love Strahd, he's one of my fave antagonists/characters ever.
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So I've been feeling lonely again when it comes to my kins. My Leon and I had another fallout, though this one was caused entirely by me. Mostly, I went off my meds, and my paranoia spiked out of control, and I ended up convincing myself that there were glaring problems when there really weren't any. I did it to myself, though I miss him terribly. I've managed to regain my talking privileges with them, but I'm not allowed to interact with any of their friends or their personal kin discord.
It makes me sad, tbh. I wish we could be close like we were, but that's my fault. It's something that I have to live with, and I'm not sure if I'll ever get back into their good graces fully. I'm blessed to even be able to talk to them after what I caused to happen. Sometimes I think about that a lot, and the guilt eats me up. It's eating me up right now. I just... want to go back. I want to feel like I'm part of a family again. But I guess that's all lost. Maybe one day, things will change.
A Vicious Cycle
Feb. 15th, 2020 03:17 pmIt seems like I can only be happy for a very short while before my mood begins to rapidly deflate. It’s like a constant rubberbanding, a back and forth between being in a euphorically good mood to literally wanting to lay in bed and think about everything that makes me miserable. I feel so distant from people, so forgotten and unimportant that it hurts almost physically. I miss feeling like I belonged somewhere, I miss being able to talk constantly with my friends, I miss being able to do art on the regular. Everything feels so disconnected now, so fragmented and shattered that I’m not sure I can get any of it back.
i know the majority of this is because I’m off my meds. I’m so depressed and anxious and I’m splitting a lot more than normal lately. My opinions of people are being warped by my mental illness, and its frustrating. Everything feels so black and white. I feel like a terrible person, and I hate it.
I’m not lying when I say every little thing takes effort. Doing the dishes, cleaning the room, hell... even feeding myself doesn’t feel worth it anymore. It’s so hard to find the motivation for anything anymore. I feel so useless.
I just want to feel somewhat normal again. I have an appointment this Monday to see my psychiatrist again. I’m getting back on my meds, and I pray to whatever deity is listening that it makes me happy once more. I need to get control of my life, I need to put an end to this constant feeling of worthlessness I have.
I just want to feel like I’m a part of this world instead of some outcast bystander watching from a distance as it goes by me. I’ve so lost much time to my mental illness, and I don’t want to lose anymore.
Birthday Woes
Jan. 11th, 2019 03:45 amI turned 24 today. I worked a slow as all hell 10 hour shift. My foot pain carried over, but I managed it with brief breaks in between tasks. I felt pretty lonely all day. Tired, too. I wanted nothing more than to curl up in bed and sleep. I’m glad I have a day off tomorrow. My psych doctor put me on some new medication that’s supposed to lessen my depressive episodes. So now I’m taking two different anti-depressants. Fun.
I guess today wasn’t all bad. My father surprised me with a visit at work. He gave me two cards - one from him and one from mom. Of course his was the funny one. I genuinely laughed. He drew the silliest pic of a bird with its eyes bulging out. Mom’s card was the emotional one. I don’t cry often or easy, but I did once I read it. Despite everything, I do have two parents that truly love and cherish me. They may not always understand how I am, but they always support me, no matter what. I’m trying not to take that for granted. Not many people are lucky enough to have parents like that.
I might get Chinese food tomorrow. Treat myself with some orange chicken and rice. I’m trying to drink more water, but the caffeine headaches are awful. I still need to watch my diet. I find myself wanting to either binge eat, or starve myself. There’s never any inbetween. But I’ve come a long way after so many years of covering up my trauma with outrageous food intake. I have to remember that I’m actually in shape now. I have muscles and endurance and good cardio, even if my body doesn’t necessarily reflect it. Curse you PCOS, for making it damn near impossible to lose weight, despite all the physical work I’m doing these days.
(I also have the urge to marathon either Minecraft or Dragon Age: Inquisition, but I know with my demanding work schedule that I won’t get far hhhhhhh)
I guess today wasn’t all bad. My father surprised me with a visit at work. He gave me two cards - one from him and one from mom. Of course his was the funny one. I genuinely laughed. He drew the silliest pic of a bird with its eyes bulging out. Mom’s card was the emotional one. I don’t cry often or easy, but I did once I read it. Despite everything, I do have two parents that truly love and cherish me. They may not always understand how I am, but they always support me, no matter what. I’m trying not to take that for granted. Not many people are lucky enough to have parents like that.
I might get Chinese food tomorrow. Treat myself with some orange chicken and rice. I’m trying to drink more water, but the caffeine headaches are awful. I still need to watch my diet. I find myself wanting to either binge eat, or starve myself. There’s never any inbetween. But I’ve come a long way after so many years of covering up my trauma with outrageous food intake. I have to remember that I’m actually in shape now. I have muscles and endurance and good cardio, even if my body doesn’t necessarily reflect it. Curse you PCOS, for making it damn near impossible to lose weight, despite all the physical work I’m doing these days.
(I also have the urge to marathon either Minecraft or Dragon Age: Inquisition, but I know with my demanding work schedule that I won’t get far hhhhhhh)
Is it paranoia or truth?
Jan. 10th, 2019 03:41 amI feel as if I’m being replaced; like my worth to someone has run its course, and now I’m being discarded, forgotten, shoved to the back of the closet to make way for all the new shiny things. Is this all I’m worth? A crutch to make you feel better until you no longer need me? I feel so dispoable these days. Almost every close friendship I’ve pursued in the last 6 years has ended on undesirable terms. And I won’t act like I’m not at fault for it either. I’ve always been terrible at keeping constant communication up with others. I need to understand that others will grow bored and detached from me if I don’t give them a reason to stick around. But still, I’d like to think that the trust we built between each other was enough for them to understand that I’m always there for them, even if I’m mostly silent at times. I will break that silence in their time of need.
I’m just a quiet person. I like the peace and quiet, and tons of interaction easily exhaust me. A little bit of a cruel trait for me to have, considering my desire to reach out to others. It’s so pitifully tragic. Haha.
I’m really tired. My feet hurt from my 10 hour shift, and I have another one tomorrow. A meager 12 hours in between to sleep and do whatever else I need to. Tomorrow is also my 24th birthday, so happy birthday to me, I guess. Time keeps passing by quicker and quicker with each year. I remember when a single school year as a small chils felt like eternity. I was always exited for summer. It makes me feel so nostalgic, thinking about those humid days at my grandmother’s house - getting into all sorts of nonsense with my older cousins. I don’t remember a lot from my childhood because of my emotional trauma, but I remember my grandmother’s house and the times I spent there. It was a sanctuary for me back then. I never knew how lucky I was to have her.
Anyway, time to sleep.
I’m just a quiet person. I like the peace and quiet, and tons of interaction easily exhaust me. A little bit of a cruel trait for me to have, considering my desire to reach out to others. It’s so pitifully tragic. Haha.
I’m really tired. My feet hurt from my 10 hour shift, and I have another one tomorrow. A meager 12 hours in between to sleep and do whatever else I need to. Tomorrow is also my 24th birthday, so happy birthday to me, I guess. Time keeps passing by quicker and quicker with each year. I remember when a single school year as a small chils felt like eternity. I was always exited for summer. It makes me feel so nostalgic, thinking about those humid days at my grandmother’s house - getting into all sorts of nonsense with my older cousins. I don’t remember a lot from my childhood because of my emotional trauma, but I remember my grandmother’s house and the times I spent there. It was a sanctuary for me back then. I never knew how lucky I was to have her.
Anyway, time to sleep.
Falling Out of Sorts
Jan. 9th, 2019 10:05 amI swear, it feels like I’ve either lost or grown so distant to people I used to be close to last year. Friends that I used to think I could confide in have turned out to be sour, toxic people. And yet, I still find myself missing them, wanting to rekindle our relationship despite knowing what kind of people they are. I think I’m just lonely. Lonely and tired and wanting more out of life. There’s nothing where I live, no discernable community of people like me that I can feel safe in. I wish I could find a tight circle. Move in with them, have our little coven, spend nights laughing and talking and sharing secrets. I want to be with others, have a family that actually feels like family, not strangers in the house.
There are no other soulbonders or fictives that I know of around me. And even on the internet, it seems finding a good, active community is difficult. It’s even worse, because my canon source is only popular because of the Netflix adaption of it, which has nothing to do with my bond. But I didn’t really choose this, it just sort of happened, so I’m stuck with it, even if it is a little lonely.
I think I’d feel better if I could find my Leon. I thought I had last year, but that person was one of the aforementioned toxic people that I cut out of my life. Even then, as much as I wanted to love them, they never really felt like MY Leon. It always felt so forced between us. That connection that I remember through Mathias was not there. It was never genuine. Oh well.
Ultimately, I’m stuck between feeling lonely and being too tired/depressed/scared to pursue any friendships.
There are no other soulbonders or fictives that I know of around me. And even on the internet, it seems finding a good, active community is difficult. It’s even worse, because my canon source is only popular because of the Netflix adaption of it, which has nothing to do with my bond. But I didn’t really choose this, it just sort of happened, so I’m stuck with it, even if it is a little lonely.
I think I’d feel better if I could find my Leon. I thought I had last year, but that person was one of the aforementioned toxic people that I cut out of my life. Even then, as much as I wanted to love them, they never really felt like MY Leon. It always felt so forced between us. That connection that I remember through Mathias was not there. It was never genuine. Oh well.
Ultimately, I’m stuck between feeling lonely and being too tired/depressed/scared to pursue any friendships.
