cronqvists | A Vicious Cycle (Reply)

It seems like I can only be happy for a very short while before my mood begins to rapidly deflate. It’s like a constant rubberbanding, a back and forth between being in a euphorically good mood to literally wanting to lay in bed and think about everything that makes me miserable. I feel so distant from people, so forgotten and unimportant that it hurts almost physically. I miss feeling like I belonged somewhere, I miss being able to talk constantly with my friends, I miss being able to do art on the regular. Everything feels so disconnected now, so fragmented and shattered that I’m not sure I can get any of it back.

i know the majority of this is because I’m off my meds. I’m so depressed and anxious and I’m splitting a lot more than normal lately. My opinions of people are being warped by my mental illness, and its frustrating. Everything feels so black and white. I feel like a terrible person, and I hate it.

I’m not lying when I say every little thing takes effort. Doing the dishes, cleaning the room, hell... even feeding myself doesn’t feel worth it anymore. It’s so hard to find the motivation for anything anymore. I feel so useless.

I just want to feel somewhat normal again. I have an appointment this Monday to see my psychiatrist again. I’m getting back on my meds, and I pray to whatever deity is listening that it makes me happy once more. I need to get control of my life, I need to put an end to this constant feeling of worthlessness I have.

I just want to feel like I’m a part of this world instead of some outcast bystander watching from a distance as it goes by me. I’ve so lost much time to my mental illness, and I don’t want to lose anymore.