Long Time No See?

Hey! It’s been a while. So much has happened since my last post here. I’ll quickly cover some of the important stuff:

- I quit my waitressing job about a year ago. I was being extorted for money and mistreated. So I said hell to the fuck no and left.

- I’m currently off my psyche meds, which turned out to be a huge mistake. My depression/anxiety/personality disorder has basically kept me in bed for the majority of the time. But I have an appointment set up soon to fix all of this and go back on my meds.

- I rekindled my friendship with that Leon I mentioned in one of my old posts. He wasn’t toxic, I was just brainwashed into thinking that. I’m glad we’re friends again. I’m currently in a populated Castlevania fictionkin server, and it’s great to be surrounded by other CV kins. 

- I’m back to practicing witchcraft again, and it’s been a great outlet for me, emotionally and spiritually. 

- I’m getting married soon! In about a month and a half, I’ll officially have tied the knot with my lover ahaha. 

That’s basically the gist of things. Oh, and I found out recently that I was dangerously close to an actual cult leader back in 2013. Do you know the story of Andrew Blake, or ThanFiction? He was involved with the Supernatural fandom back in 2013. He was doing some cult-ish things back then, all under the guise of being a fictive/soulbonder. It’s very similar to what happened with the Final Fantasy House way back in the early 2000s. Well, I followed, reblogged, and interacted with him back in 2013, unknowing of all the creepy stuff he’d been doing. Spooky. 

I have also discovered an endless love for sushi. Aaaaaaaaa, sushi. So good. The best I’ve had so far is the Fire Island Roll (spicy tuna, salmon, crab, cream cheese, and asparagus) and the Yum Yum Roll (crab, cream cheese, cucumber, and avocado). So, so good. 

Ummm... I don’t have much else to say at the moment. I’ll try to update over here more often! Even if a lot of people don’t see it, it’s nice to have a place to write down the on-goings of my life, and my thoughts and feelings.

A Vicious Cycle

It seems like I can only be happy for a very short while before my mood begins to rapidly deflate. It’s like a constant rubberbanding, a back and forth between being in a euphorically good mood to literally wanting to lay in bed and think about everything that makes me miserable. I feel so distant from people, so forgotten and unimportant that it hurts almost physically. I miss feeling like I belonged somewhere, I miss being able to talk constantly with my friends, I miss being able to do art on the regular. Everything feels so disconnected now, so fragmented and shattered that I’m not sure I can get any of it back. 

i know the majority of this is because I’m off my meds. I’m so depressed and anxious and I’m splitting a lot more than normal lately. My opinions of people are being warped by my mental illness, and its frustrating. Everything feels so black and white. I feel like a terrible person, and I hate it. 

I’m not lying when I say every little thing takes effort. Doing the dishes, cleaning the room, hell... even feeding myself doesn’t feel worth it anymore. It’s so hard to find the motivation for anything anymore. I feel so useless. 

I just want to feel somewhat normal again. I have an appointment this Monday to see my psychiatrist again. I’m getting back on my meds, and I pray to whatever deity is listening that it makes me happy once more. I need to get control of my life, I need to put an end to this constant feeling of worthlessness I have.

I just want to feel like I’m a part of this world instead of some outcast bystander watching from a distance as it goes by me. I’ve so lost much time to my mental illness, and I don’t want to lose anymore.