Falling Out of Sorts

I swear, it feels like I’ve either lost or grown so distant to people I used to be close to last year. Friends that I used to think I could confide in have turned out to be sour, toxic people. And yet, I still find myself missing them, wanting to rekindle our relationship despite knowing what kind of people they are. I think I’m just lonely. Lonely and tired and wanting more out of life. There’s nothing where I live, no discernable community of people like me that I can feel safe in. I wish I could find a tight circle. Move in with them, have our little coven, spend nights laughing and talking and sharing secrets. I want to be with others, have a family that actually feels like family, not strangers in the house.  

There are no other soulbonders or fictives that I know of around me. And even on the internet, it seems finding a good, active community is difficult. It’s even worse, because my canon source is only popular because of the Netflix adaption of it, which has nothing to do with my bond. But I didn’t really choose this, it just sort of happened, so I’m stuck with it, even if it is a little lonely.

I think I’d feel better if I could find my Leon. I thought I had last year, but that person was one of the aforementioned toxic people that I cut out of my life. Even then, as much as I wanted to love them, they never really felt like MY Leon. It always felt so forced between us. That connection that I remember through Mathias was not there. It was never genuine. Oh well. 

Ultimately, I’m stuck between feeling lonely and being too tired/depressed/scared to pursue any friendships.